Simply Me

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Now what do I make of this...?

It was a sunny day and amma had walked down with me from our house in Rambaug colony on Paud Road. I really didn't want to go to office today. One of my best friends was getting married in Pune and I wasn't given a leave to attend her wedding. I had been in tears all through morning that my one of my links to childhood was slipping away and I couldn't go to wish her on her special day and heaven knew when I'd see her next once she left Pune.

Amma advised I take the lower road which was nice and full of trees and then climb up to the bus stop than the usual sunny upper road. Sure. But the problem was, I had never taken that road before so I wasn't a 100 % sure how to get there. After getting to the end of the road, I started climbing. I kept climbing till I had reached the top... But where was the bus stop? In fact where was I? I couldn't find my way down. I look around and I see a wide water body, a river perhaps and on the other side, a giant wheel. I remember thinking of Essel World.

But where exactly was I? I remember feeling utterly lost, scared and helpless. I picked up my phone to call up amma. I was stuck on something of a hill with no way down...

Thankfully amma woke me up just then. As I related this to amma, I realize I can never remember feeling as lost in my life as in that dream and considering we had left that home more that 10 years ago, what exactly do I make of this?

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posted by Tejaswini Shenoy at 1:17 AM 4 comments

Sunday, February 7, 2010

...

I didn't want to go to Bangalore in October... and I don't want to go tomorrow... I guess it just makes me HAVE to believe they are both gone...

I can't call them to tell them about my office... my ajju won't ask me my salary and say, isn't that less? Bapama won't say, don't worry, don't feel bad about ajju... Bapama won't say, don't worry, you'll get married when its right; when you find the right guy...

I can't call them every weekend... I can't call ajju just to ask him which is correct: 'I am as good as he' or 'I am as good as him.' I won't be able to show ajju any of my poems if I ever get around to writing one again...

I surely can't tell either of them how much I love them... I could never really say goodbye to either of them... I can't listen to ajju tell another story or sing another song which hasn't been recorded... I can't hear bapama ask how some relative or family friend is whom she hadn't seen for years together...

Amma won't be able to tell bapama about a neighbour from Ashwamedh society where we lived until '99 whose son is getting married and be surprised when she asks about not just them but also about half the other people in that building WE hadn't thought about in years...

I can't say anymore that my ajju is going to complete his 102ND year or bapama reach her 90Th year or them celebrating their 75Th anniversary...

I won't be able to take their blessings when I get married... When I do find that guy I'll marry, he'll never be fortunate enough to have met them...

Never again will I see them smile... Never again will I see him look at her with love or with that possessive look... never again will I hear her say in a choked voice how happy he would have been to hear me sing one of his favorite songs... Never will I be able to hear her reminisce something funny from the past... or hear her tell a story...

There are so many things I never thought to ask and they never thought to tell...

I have to keep telling myself this is for the best, but still my eyes well up.. still my throat chokes... still I try not to let the tears fall down... still I try to think of all this without getting depressed... still I try telling myself that losing 3 of the 4 people I have loved the most in my life isn't the end of the world... still I tell myself life should go on... still I tell myself that neither of them would be OK seeing me feeling low... still I hope to see them again as someone else... still I hope I have already learnt enough from them... still I say shubha ratri, good night and oya sumi nasai to the three of them...

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posted by Tejaswini Shenoy at 12:55 AM 2 comments

Monday, February 1, 2010

Goodbye bapama...

As tears finally course down my cheeks, I think of my bapama who had lived with us for almost 16 years of my life. The woman who was whimsical, childish, who fought with annu and would not talk to him if he scolded me, who loved her husband so much and was loved equally in return has now gone on to join him in his heavenly abode.

Though they had an arranged marriage, ajju and bapama would be subjected to all sorts of teasing since he was her brother's friend and colleague. 12 years apart in age but so strong a love and bond was hard to come by.

Celebrating a love for 75 years of a truly blissful marriage and a cute romance is an example any couple would like to follow.

A protective grandmother, a possessive mother, a loving wife and most of all a woman who had her feet grounded in tradition but a mind which learnt to adjust to a more modern outlook, she has been a woman of formidable strength though frail and tiny.

I wipe my tears now thinking ajju and bapama are back together after a separation of 4 months.

I'll always love you bapamu. Good night. Sumadhura swapna.

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posted by Tejaswini Shenoy at 12:04 AM 1 comments