Simply Me

Sunday, February 7, 2010

...

I didn't want to go to Bangalore in October... and I don't want to go tomorrow... I guess it just makes me HAVE to believe they are both gone...

I can't call them to tell them about my office... my ajju won't ask me my salary and say, isn't that less? Bapama won't say, don't worry, don't feel bad about ajju... Bapama won't say, don't worry, you'll get married when its right; when you find the right guy...

I can't call them every weekend... I can't call ajju just to ask him which is correct: 'I am as good as he' or 'I am as good as him.' I won't be able to show ajju any of my poems if I ever get around to writing one again...

I surely can't tell either of them how much I love them... I could never really say goodbye to either of them... I can't listen to ajju tell another story or sing another song which hasn't been recorded... I can't hear bapama ask how some relative or family friend is whom she hadn't seen for years together...

Amma won't be able to tell bapama about a neighbour from Ashwamedh society where we lived until '99 whose son is getting married and be surprised when she asks about not just them but also about half the other people in that building WE hadn't thought about in years...

I can't say anymore that my ajju is going to complete his 102ND year or bapama reach her 90Th year or them celebrating their 75Th anniversary...

I won't be able to take their blessings when I get married... When I do find that guy I'll marry, he'll never be fortunate enough to have met them...

Never again will I see them smile... Never again will I see him look at her with love or with that possessive look... never again will I hear her say in a choked voice how happy he would have been to hear me sing one of his favorite songs... Never will I be able to hear her reminisce something funny from the past... or hear her tell a story...

There are so many things I never thought to ask and they never thought to tell...

I have to keep telling myself this is for the best, but still my eyes well up.. still my throat chokes... still I try not to let the tears fall down... still I try to think of all this without getting depressed... still I try telling myself that losing 3 of the 4 people I have loved the most in my life isn't the end of the world... still I tell myself life should go on... still I tell myself that neither of them would be OK seeing me feeling low... still I hope to see them again as someone else... still I hope I have already learnt enough from them... still I say shubha ratri, good night and oya sumi nasai to the three of them...

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posted by Tejaswini Shenoy at 12:55 AM

2 Comments:

be brave, T. nothing i say will help.. i know that.. but just think how they are at peace now. together and happy :)

thank God for the great memories.. some people arent even fortunate to have met their grandparents. :)

February 8, 2010 at 8:57 AM  

True Ash... We have been fortunate... but it still doesn't really make the pain go away completely...

February 8, 2010 at 10:25 AM  

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