Simply Me

I have always maintained I have never been in love... but it really is not true... I'm not the jealous type, but surely, this person made me envy the people who took him away from me, who shared his heart... who shared his time... who shared his love. I think he knew. Somewhere in himself he did know for sure. That he was married, it wasn't really to diminish my love... it was in spite that, that I loved him... still do...

I knew he loved his wife more, my amma... but annu was always my best friend... I could talk to him; we'd both tease amma incessantly... I knew what I couldn't tell my mother, I could tell my dad... I am like him actually... crazy, a little more ready to trust people than amma; I do look like him too. Every day, I'd sit and tell him everything.. fight with him... cry, shout... drive amma nuts... but still he was one of my best friends... though it took me too long to realize it.

Annu would drop me off at college and it was one such day when he had dropped me off... We had a free lecture and I was in a free class with my friends when mahesh bhavaji came to the class... Needless, to say, I was surprised... Other than family occasions, I hardly ever saw him... Out of the college and into Meetakka's waiting car... when she broke the news... Annu had passed away from a heart attack... I remember being shocked... speechless in fact... I don't think I cried at once, not when she told me, not when she hugged me hard... I kept thinking... why am I not crying... I'm not sure what was going on in my head apart from these thoughts... , when, how... how is it possible... and most importantly, why... these questions suddenly started to fill my mind...

Coming home to so many people was again a setback... I could see amma was crying and so was bapama, ajju I could see was hit hard, but was taking it as calmly as he could... it had to be hard for them, losing a husband of 20 years... losing your son.. seeing him die before you... no parent should have to go through the pain. When Ashwini came, she was crying too... I was tearless and stonefaced... She said that I shouldn't cry in front of amma, that was easy enough, the tears wouldn't flow in front of anyone... I could only cry when I knew no one could see me or I knew amma was asleep and couldn't hear me... I'd cry myself to sleep everyday...

Talking about annu was like somebody put a hand through my chest, got hold of my heart and squeezed so hard, it ached... it felt like that pain would never go away... it still does feel like that sometimes... but the pain has subsided...

Its been 10 years now... I don't talk about annu to people who don't know already... So I thought it was time that I let it out.

In the 10 years, I have gotten to know amma. She is one of my best friends now... I still say good night to annu after all these years before I sleep, but I do tell amma everything that happened in the day... I have followed annu's advice of being more of an extrovert... talking more freely... but sometimes, I still wish he could have seen the person I am now... Losing annu, and in the past year my ajju and bapama... it feels like I have lost most of my immediate family... The tought that anu wouldn't be at any of the important events in my life, hasn't been during so many, makes me tear up...

Just wish, you were here to help me out and advise me when I fall apart like you were before...

Labels: Yaadein reh jaati hain...