Simply Me

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Fears...

Finally the time has come to write about a topic I dread a lot… Maybe not too many people dread this topic. But I do. Love… Commitment… Marriage…

There really should be no reason for me to be scared of this particular feeling, I guess… But… I have never till date been in love... found anyone worth loving… A friend of mine says I don’t trust people… maybe that’s why… Kya pata… A friend at office said that I have that chulbuli type nature which most guys would look for in a girl…

I haven’t had too many comments on my blog lately… maybe if anyone sees this post, they might comment…

I can’t…
1- Make myself so vulnerable
2- Trust people enough
3- Think how I could take on so much responsibility
4- Become a part of another family…
5- Change myself enough to be considered normal by another human being
6- See myself loving another person as much as I have seen my parents do… my grandparents… both sets do…

I fear…
1- No one will like me for who I am
2- No one will tolerate my anger and temper tantrums
3- No one will accept my quick and hurtful tongue
4- I won’t be able to adjust to the ways of another family
5- I won’t see the kind of love my grandparents share… Ajju and Bapama have shared about 78 years of their life together… Ajju is hard of hearing… He can’t hear what we say to him… but when bapama calls out to him in her own frail voice… he can hear her
6- I’ll never meet the kind of person who lives life to the fullest… like my Idol and mentor… my father… annu…
7- I’ll never be able to love the person I eventually marry…
8- I’ll not be able to just be myself and dance around the house or just be this immature kid who laughs a lot or cries for no reason…

This post has been right from my heart… my heart and mind poured out… My mom is looking out to get me married… but I can’t explain all this to her… does anyone have any suggestions on how I could make her understand?

P.S. I have to post this today or I know I’ll bury this somewhere and never look back at it

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posted by Tejaswini Shenoy at 12:40 AM

9 Comments:

I too have this dilemma. You have all these apprehensions till you go and jump into that ocean called marriage.

Enjoy the search process....

and if you find ur life difficult because u have been hounded for marriage , visit this
http://answerinwind.rediffblogs.com/2007_02_12_answerinwind_archive.html

(this is totally unconnected, but the approach is similar to yours)

March 9, 2008 at 12:59 PM  

tis like board exams... I mean of course much more important than that...but u know.. u've got to face it all by urself.

so only one thing to say..
all the best to all of us!! :D

March 9, 2008 at 5:07 PM  

Hmmm!!! Well dont mistake me, I feel you are being a bit too pessimistic. Sinply because, you are assuming things!! Have you really tried them??

Secondly, you are trying to compare different people. Nobody can be like your dad or granddad, simply because no two people can be same. When two brothers born to the same parents wont be the same, how can you expect that??

And the whole fun of life lies in all the mysteries and adventures. And believe me, life is indeed beautiful. Complaining about it is not a solution at all.

Everything in life has a beautiful ending!!! If its not beautiful, rest assred, its not the end yet!!!

Cheers.. All the best!!!

March 9, 2008 at 6:43 PM  

@Abhijit: Thanks... Nice to know I am not utterly weird when I have these apprehensions.

@Purnima: Amen!!!

@Nitin: Not exactly comparing people... just that maybe I have too high expectations and maybe I won't find someone to match them or maybe the person might have similar expectations which I may not be able to fulfil
Anyway not pessimistic... jo bhi hoga acche ke liye hoga... but until I am on the other side, I'll keep worrying... worrying is in my nature.. kya karen?

March 9, 2008 at 8:09 PM  

Whoa...!!!..
And I thought I had problems!
I guess most chicks do go through this. You have been brave enough to admit it I suppose.

March 11, 2008 at 12:01 PM  

Bravo, Tejaswini... u managed to pen it down, rather than get into the escapist mood !! Must be feeling a bit more in control, na?

I guess, the main reason for most of your concerns, is the uncertainty that comes with life and more so, with marriage!... but sometimes, if you let go of your inhibitions, and realise, that there isn't much you could do about the future... the worry may ease!

i could write more, especially how most of us, share the same concerns... but then i guess, it's enough for now! :D

March 11, 2008 at 5:45 PM  

Hey Ajay and Rachana... thanks for the comments... really needed to get all of this out. that why i just had to update it on a day when the server was half dead.. i actually resurrected my comatose Internet Explorer to publish the post... but seriously feel beeter once everything is out... better out than in right?

March 12, 2008 at 12:12 AM  

Better out than in!!
Most of us girls keep these fears inside us ..
But as someone said to me, open up your heart, let the feelings come in, Might get hurt, might face difficulties, But then who likes a smooth sailing life? It will be too boring.. isn't it?

March 15, 2008 at 4:59 AM  

more than the posts, the comments brought me here... TJ... hee hee...oops sorry!! :D

well u know apart from all dis u have mentioned, my biggest fear is of staying wid sumone whom i Donno....:-O

It kinda gives me terrible nightmares, "living wid somebody at same place, fighting for remotes and rest of ur privacy".... etc etc... :D

Thats why I am happy as I AM, Now!!! and have decided to continue like this n make rest of you all really JEALOUS (or envy??) of me B-)... hee hee...

But I hope, u get a very nice "understanding/caring/rich etc etc husband" who will like u for what u are... :) cheerz!!! waal the best!!! ( expecting a invitation card very soon.... :D)

March 25, 2008 at 1:28 AM  

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